Saturday Quote-a-thon: Humor

For those of you who wonder if I dropped dead, I didn't. It has been a pretty miserable week with the flu - nasty horrific cases for Lee and I, remarkably benign cases for Alex and Roxy. The fever finally went away on Thursday, but workouts were just not on the agenda. I am however, feeling much better, did finish my revision on the one novel and got excited about several I have in the hopper.

I have no idea what the topic's going to be. Perhaps some humor because, let's face it, laughter is the best medicine.

There was a time when a fool and his money were soon parted, but now it happens to everybody.
--Adlai Stevenson

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
--Mark Twain

Carlyle said, "A lie cannot live"; it shows he did not know how to tell them.
--Mark Twain

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
--Oscar Wilde

It is the ability to take a joke, not make one, that proves you have a sense of humor.
-- Max Eastman

Moses - "The lord Jehovah has given you these fifteen... (drops stone tablet) Oi. Ten! Ten commandments for all to obey!"
-From History of the Word, Part I

Vinny: Ms. Vito, you're supposed to be some kinda expert in automobiles, is that correct?... Is that correct?
Judge Haller: Would you please answer the counselor's question?
Lisa: No, I hate him.
Vinny: Your Honor, may I treat this witness as hostile?
Mona Lisa: You think I'm hostile now? Wait till tonight.
Judge Haller: Do you two know each other?
Vinny: Yeah, she's my fiancée.
Judge Haller: Well, that would certainly explain the hostility
-From My Cousin Vinny

You know, these clothes do not fancy you at all. It should be a dress or nothing. I happen to have no dress in my cabin.
-Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man’s Chest

We’d all like t’vote fer th’best man, but he’s never a candidate.
- Kin Hubbard

Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
-Dennis Fakes

The function of Law? The recitation of the unintelligible by the unscrupulous to empty the purses of the unwary. The function of Theology? The recitation of the incomprehensible by the unspeakable to pick the pockets of the unthinking.
-Robert Anton Wilson

In Seattle you haven’t had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine while it’s running.
-Jeff Bezos (Amazon.com CEO)

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
-St. Augustine

When Mahatma Gandhi showed up to meet His Majesty King Edward VII of England in just a loincloth, a reporter wondered aloud if this was disrespectful to the king. Gandhi replied simply, "The King was wearing enough for the both of us."

The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be.
-Douglas Adams

ABOYNE (vb.) To beat an expert at a game of skill by playing so appallingly that none of his clever tactics or strategies are of any use to him.
-Douglas Adams and John Lloyd

"Epitaph for a dead waiter - God finally caught his eye." -- George S. Kaufman

"Give a man a free hand and he'll try to put it all over you" -- Mae West

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally." -- W.C. Fields

"I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear." -- Woody Allen

"If you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow" -- John Wayne

"I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill..." -- George Burns

Hopefully, things will get back to normal, or as normal as I actually get.

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Saturday Quotathon: Quotes that Amused Me - 1

I have a large number of quotes that are just funny. Here's a sampling.

The phone rings. I am not amused. This is not my favorite way to wake up. My favorite way to wake up is to have a certain French movie star whisper to me softly at two thirty in the afternoon that if I want to get to Sweden in time to pick up my Nobel Prize for Literature I had better ring for breakfast. This occurs rather less often than one might wish.
--Fran Lebowitz

Childhood is that wonderful time when all you need to do to lose weight is take a bath.
--Joe Moore

"Oh, Indians never get lost," he said, looking on every side with an expression as perplexed as my own. "However," said Tom, "sometimes the path wanders away."
--P.J. O’Rourke

How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.
--Emo Phillips

I have the most ill-regulated memory. It does those things which it ought not to do and leaves undone the things it ought to have done. But it has not yet gone on strike altogether.
--Dorothy L. Sayers

We have to believe in free will. We've got no choice.
--Isaac Bashevis Singer

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.
--Mark Twain

Besides, once you give storms rednecky names like Charley and Earl, they're bound to make landfall *somewhere* in the south.
-- Rick MacKinnon

Half the money I spend on advertising is wasted; the trouble is I don't know which half.
-- John Wannamaker

Here we have a game that combines the charm of a Pentagon briefing with the excitement of double-entry bookkeeping.
-- Cecil Adams (On Dungeons & Dragons)

I don't know if I can live on my income or not -- the government won't let me try it.
-- Bob Thaves

I know the good Lord wouldn't give me any more than I can handle, but I sure wish he wouldn't have so much confidence in me.
-- Bernie Williams

I went on a diet, then I had to go on another diet at the same time. One diet wasn't giving me enough food.
-- Barry Marter

I went out to dinner with a Marine last weekend. He looked across the table and he goes, "I could kill you in seven seconds." I go, "I'll just have toast, then."
-- Margaret Smith

Hell is full of musical amateurs. Music is the brandy of the damned.
-George Bernard Shaw

A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.
-Robert Heinlein

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
-Albert Einstein

If Hitler invaded Hell I would make at least a favourable reference to the devil in the House of Commons.
-Winston Churchill

There is a programming smell here… which is kind of like the smell in your refrigerator, you know. There's a sign that there's something wrong, but you can't quite put your finger on it. But you know if you leave it there, its only going to get worse.
-Ward Cunningham

Dionne Davenport: Hello! There was a stop sign.
Cher Horowitz: I totally paused.
-From Clueless

Morticia: Margaret, about the séance tonight, I wish you'd come. It's Gomez. I'm terribly worried about him. He won't eat, he can't sleep, he keeps coughing up blood.
Margaret: He coughs up blood?
Morticia: Well, not like he used to.
-From Addams Family

[on telephone] Hello... Operator? Can you hear my voice? You can? Are you sure? [Hangs up] Well, then I must not be dreaming.
-Mortimer Brewster in Arsenic and Old Lace

Moses - "The lord Jehovah has given you these fifteen... (drops stone tablet) Oi. Ten! Ten commandments for all to obey!"
-From History of the Word, Part I

This is one time where television really fails to capture the true excitement of a large squirrel predicting the weather.
-From Groundhog Day

Oh, I have more, but, heck, I can't give 'em to you all at once.

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