Saturday Quotathon: Quotes that Amused Me - 1

I have a large number of quotes that are just funny. Here's a sampling.

The phone rings. I am not amused. This is not my favorite way to wake up. My favorite way to wake up is to have a certain French movie star whisper to me softly at two thirty in the afternoon that if I want to get to Sweden in time to pick up my Nobel Prize for Literature I had better ring for breakfast. This occurs rather less often than one might wish.
--Fran Lebowitz

Childhood is that wonderful time when all you need to do to lose weight is take a bath.
--Joe Moore

"Oh, Indians never get lost," he said, looking on every side with an expression as perplexed as my own. "However," said Tom, "sometimes the path wanders away."
--P.J. O’Rourke

How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.
--Emo Phillips

I have the most ill-regulated memory. It does those things which it ought not to do and leaves undone the things it ought to have done. But it has not yet gone on strike altogether.
--Dorothy L. Sayers

We have to believe in free will. We've got no choice.
--Isaac Bashevis Singer

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.
--Mark Twain

Besides, once you give storms rednecky names like Charley and Earl, they're bound to make landfall *somewhere* in the south.
-- Rick MacKinnon

Half the money I spend on advertising is wasted; the trouble is I don't know which half.
-- John Wannamaker

Here we have a game that combines the charm of a Pentagon briefing with the excitement of double-entry bookkeeping.
-- Cecil Adams (On Dungeons & Dragons)

I don't know if I can live on my income or not -- the government won't let me try it.
-- Bob Thaves

I know the good Lord wouldn't give me any more than I can handle, but I sure wish he wouldn't have so much confidence in me.
-- Bernie Williams

I went on a diet, then I had to go on another diet at the same time. One diet wasn't giving me enough food.
-- Barry Marter

I went out to dinner with a Marine last weekend. He looked across the table and he goes, "I could kill you in seven seconds." I go, "I'll just have toast, then."
-- Margaret Smith

Hell is full of musical amateurs. Music is the brandy of the damned.
-George Bernard Shaw

A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.
-Robert Heinlein

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
-Albert Einstein

If Hitler invaded Hell I would make at least a favourable reference to the devil in the House of Commons.
-Winston Churchill

There is a programming smell here… which is kind of like the smell in your refrigerator, you know. There's a sign that there's something wrong, but you can't quite put your finger on it. But you know if you leave it there, its only going to get worse.
-Ward Cunningham

Dionne Davenport: Hello! There was a stop sign.
Cher Horowitz: I totally paused.
-From Clueless

Morticia: Margaret, about the séance tonight, I wish you'd come. It's Gomez. I'm terribly worried about him. He won't eat, he can't sleep, he keeps coughing up blood.
Margaret: He coughs up blood?
Morticia: Well, not like he used to.
-From Addams Family

[on telephone] Hello... Operator? Can you hear my voice? You can? Are you sure? [Hangs up] Well, then I must not be dreaming.
-Mortimer Brewster in Arsenic and Old Lace

Moses - "The lord Jehovah has given you these fifteen... (drops stone tablet) Oi. Ten! Ten commandments for all to obey!"
-From History of the Word, Part I

This is one time where television really fails to capture the true excitement of a large squirrel predicting the weather.
-From Groundhog Day

Oh, I have more, but, heck, I can't give 'em to you all at once.