Saturday Quote-a-thon: Humor

>> Saturday, October 17, 2009


For those of you who wonder if I dropped dead, I didn't. It has been a pretty miserable week with the flu - nasty horrific cases for Lee and I, remarkably benign cases for Alex and Roxy. The fever finally went away on Thursday, but workouts were just not on the agenda. I am however, feeling much better, did finish my revision on the one novel and got excited about several I have in the hopper.

I have no idea what the topic's going to be. Perhaps some humor because, let's face it, laughter is the best medicine.

There was a time when a fool and his money were soon parted, but now it happens to everybody.
--Adlai Stevenson

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
--Mark Twain

Carlyle said, "A lie cannot live"; it shows he did not know how to tell them.
--Mark Twain

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
--Oscar Wilde

It is the ability to take a joke, not make one, that proves you have a sense of humor.
-- Max Eastman

Moses - "The lord Jehovah has given you these fifteen... (drops stone tablet) Oi. Ten! Ten commandments for all to obey!"
-From History of the Word, Part I

Vinny: Ms. Vito, you're supposed to be some kinda expert in automobiles, is that correct?... Is that correct?
Judge Haller: Would you please answer the counselor's question?
Lisa: No, I hate him.
Vinny: Your Honor, may I treat this witness as hostile?
Mona Lisa: You think I'm hostile now? Wait till tonight.
Judge Haller: Do you two know each other?
Vinny: Yeah, she's my fiancée.
Judge Haller: Well, that would certainly explain the hostility
-From My Cousin Vinny

You know, these clothes do not fancy you at all. It should be a dress or nothing. I happen to have no dress in my cabin.
-Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man’s Chest

We’d all like t’vote fer th’best man, but he’s never a candidate.
- Kin Hubbard

Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
-Dennis Fakes

The function of Law? The recitation of the unintelligible by the unscrupulous to empty the purses of the unwary. The function of Theology? The recitation of the incomprehensible by the unspeakable to pick the pockets of the unthinking.
-Robert Anton Wilson

In Seattle you haven’t had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine while it’s running.
-Jeff Bezos (Amazon.com CEO)

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
-St. Augustine

When Mahatma Gandhi showed up to meet His Majesty King Edward VII of England in just a loincloth, a reporter wondered aloud if this was disrespectful to the king. Gandhi replied simply, "The King was wearing enough for the both of us."

The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be.
-Douglas Adams

ABOYNE (vb.) To beat an expert at a game of skill by playing so appallingly that none of his clever tactics or strategies are of any use to him.
-Douglas Adams and John Lloyd

"Epitaph for a dead waiter - God finally caught his eye." -- George S. Kaufman

"Give a man a free hand and he'll try to put it all over you" -- Mae West

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally." -- W.C. Fields

"I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear." -- Woody Allen

"If you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow" -- John Wayne

"I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill..." -- George Burns

Hopefully, things will get back to normal, or as normal as I actually get.

7 comments:

  • Jeff King
     

    I am glad to hear/read you're fine. and i for one missed ya...
    nice quotes by the way, my fav is "If you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow" -- John Wayne

  • Roy
     

    It's a relief to learn you're okay and back in the swing. I was gettin' kinda worried there!

    I love the Twain quotes, and you know I can't resist Douglas Adams. Let's see what I can dredge up.

    "A brain that small shouldn't carry a stick that big."
    ~ Bertrand Laurence (folk musician) on George W. Bush

    "Honey, lately your low self-esteem is just good common sense."
    ~ Cloris Leachman's character Evelyn Norwich in Spanglish

    "Anything that happens, happens.
    Anything that, in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen.
    Anything that, in happening, causes itself to happen again, happens again.
    It doesn't necessarily do it in chronological order, though."
    - Douglas Adams

    "Whoooo!! He's so full of manure, that man! We could lay him in the dirt and grow another one just like him!'"
    ~ Ruby Thewes in Cold Mountain (Anthony Minghella, screenwriter)

    Simon: "You're out of your mind."
    Early: "That's between me and my mind."
    - from the "Objects in Space" episode of Firefly

    "There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discover exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

    "There is another theory which states that this has already happened."
    - Douglas Adams

  • Shakespeare
     

    My favorite is the Moses quote--always love that biblical humor.

    I'm glad the fever broke. I am fighting some viral crap, but so far it's mostly a sore throat from sinus drainage. No aches, no fever, no excuse to not get work done (so that's what I'm doing!)...

    Thanks for the laughs! They'll get me going this morning!

  • The Mother
     

    Hey, I used the St. Augustine quote on Friday--is this Sunday Stealing?

    I'm not sure which movie it was from--one of the old Testament parodies. God hands down two tablets, and Moses says something like, "That's it? I know these people. They're gonna want more details."

    Didn't really get that joke until I married into Judaism.

  • Stephanie B
     

    You did indeed use it, but I pull quotes from my (currently 125 pages long) list of quotes. I'm not even sure I haven't used it before. I try to keep track, but you know...

    Technically, we both stole it - from St. Augustine.

  • The Mother
     

    Well, if you want to get technical about it...

    It isn't stealing if you give credit. It's called "citing."

  • Stephanie B
     

    :)

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