>> Wednesday, December 19, 2012
So, I should be talking about important topics here, especially after completely letting everything lapse for MONTHS.
Not going to, though. Only noteworthy event is the tragic shooting in Connecticut that has undoubtedly been written about and lamented to damn near death. And the truth is, there's nothing I can think of to offer as corrective action or comfort. In some ways, it's like the tsunami in Japan, not that it's an act of nature, but that there's really nothing one can do to stop it. Best laid plans, high security, the utmost caution - nothing can prevent a person bent on destruction from causing it except dumb luck.
I'm for gun control (though not necessarily banning) but the OKC bombing showed definitively that guns aren't necessary. Nor are big groups combined in a conspiracy, technological expertise, huge bankrolls or, obviously, any sort of reasonable logic. Short of going into 1984 mode (and I'm not for that either), you can't keep people hell-bent on doing bad things from doing them. That's how the law works - can't lock up people based on potential crimes. They get to move first and, if they make a doozy, the most you can do is pick up the pieces.
I have opinions on attitudes and mindsets that make this worse, but really they're just speculation. And, right now, I don't have the heart to expound on them knowing there are plenty of other possibilities my speculation doesn't cover that can happen next time. Truthfully, there's plenty of injustice in the world we might have a chance of addressing when I know keeping the crazies from doing bad things is just not on the list of things I can do.
But I seriously digressed.
Instead, today I'm going into narcissistic mode, so those of you who read all the way down here in the hopes I had something useful to stay are now cued to roll your eyes and wonder if there's anything interesting going on elsewhere.
It's been over a year now, since I found out I was going to be single again (and most likely, permanently). Also been diagnosed with Type II diabetes which wasn't entirely a surprise but didn't improve my mood any.
For those that are interested (and hopefully, that's all that's left reading this), here's my current status, for good or bad.
- Kids are all happy and healthy. Several reasons for this, not the least of which is that they all have fine constitutions, but also that my ex and I have both striven to keep our relationship as friendly as possible.
- Eldest daughter is in college with a music major. Her choice, but, as I've mentioned before, she has a superlative voice. Said voice is also being recognized by more than myself. She has been successful in winning parts for everything she's auditioned for (even as a freshman), though same have been chorale parts, and she'll be opening a cabaret show with a jazz classic. So, good for her.
- Two youngest are both in programs for special needs children and neither are really talking even now. Which is more challenging to deal with and lonelier than it might seem. Since I'm on my own dealing with them a majority of the time, it has distinct frustrations that are sometimes overwhelming. Alex, in particular, with his OCD and autistic tendencies, confounds and confuses me. However, we're also finding rhythms and routines that work for us so I'm still hopeful we'll make it work. Note, however, I am a dreamer.
- My work is going well, keeping me busy and mostly entertained. In addition to be interesting for me, my work has also been very supportive in letting me do some of my work from home and accommodating the schedule challenges of a single mother. I seriously don't know how regular single parents with less flexibility and smaller paychecks manage it.
- I have two cats now who have exactly the right personalities to suit me. Both are sweet, beautiful and affectionate and one is even willing to let Roxy pick him up a couple of dozen times a day without losing his temper. Which is just about perfect.
- I have faced my health challenges head on, given that I have responsibilities so dying is not something I'm allowed to do any time soon: I have gone on a stringent diet necessary given the state I had let myself get to. So far, I've lost more than 70 pounds since August and hope to get to my goal weight by next fall. And stay there. With any luck, that will be a considerable benefit in keeping my diabetes in check. I've also bought a Bowflex and am forcing my sedentary self to exercise for the same reason. Necessity exists.
- Diet and exercise does not make me happier. Nor is the obvious deep and abiding affection my once husband has for the woman he left me for. I don't think I still wish he loved me or even long for him. It's more like it's lowering to realize (by contrast) how very little I ever meant to him and, given that I believed no one had ever love me more, what that says on how much I have ever been loved. I'm lucky that my children are affectionate and I have an aunt and sister and several friends who clearly care about me, but most are at a distance (which I'm sure contributes to our friendly relations). Acknowledging that people who live with me (other than my children) don't care much for me is, well, painful. And, given the effort I made with my former husband, I have to admit I don't think there's anything I can do to improve that situation. I am just not loveable.
- I am trying not to be depressed - I have more than my children's future to consider, but also their current comfort - but I've not been entirely successful. In many ways, I feel like my life holds nothing but making sure my children are cared at this point forward. As a life-long romantic and writer-wannabe, the realization is unbelievable miserable.
- Even so, on the balance, I clearly have a lot to be grateful for. I wish telling myself that forcefully was effective as a counter. Still working that particular issue.
- I have not been able to write fiction now for more than a year. I've tried a couple of times but what I wrote was not worth hitting the save button for. I honestly don't know, at this point, if I ever will be able to write again or if it's even worth the effort given how little interest the world has in what I've already written. I don't know if I managed to kill my ability to write when I stopped believing in magic. Maybe I just know too much about the caliber of my work to date.
Have a good holiday. Spend time with the people you love and those that love you. Time marches inexorably forward and it's easy to be distracted by trivialities and miss it.
Update: I was just looking to my pre-breakfast blood sugars (the only ones I have to take) and realized every single one in December was normal and, with the exception of one, the ones in November were pretty darn close to normal, too. So, yay me!