What Happened to Stephanie or Has She Fallen Down the Well?

>> Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Relax Max said "I wish you would blog. I know you think you can't right now but I still wish you would."

Well, first, at least this time, [:)] he's not wrong. I could blog. I'm no longer desperately pressed for time. I have time after my two youngest go to bed I could do this. I use the term "go to bed" as if I snuggle them into their beds and they obligingly sleep. That's not what happens at my house, but I digress. When school picks up in two weeks, even my nightowl son will start going to be early enough I could have a few solid hours to myself every evening.

Especially since my teenage daughter goes up to college tomorrow. And yeah, I'm going to miss her. I will, however, have more time.

I have largely gotten over my failed romance and resigned myself to the notion that, this life, at least, I am not to be cherished. Perhaps I was never the cherishable type. Hardly a world tragedy, that. I'm certainly not alone in that realization or fate. And I've been rebuilding my life as I needed to for myself and my kids.

That has not been without challenges and more will come, but I have a game plan for the reasonable future. Finances are tight but workable and my efforts to pull my family from debt, while difficult in the short term, give some promise to eventual success even with a kid in private college.

And I've discovered I'm prediabetic which means, (a) paying attention to my diet and health for the rest of my life and (b) losing the weight I've long needed to drop but haven't because dieting is pure torture and I'm a cranky bitch when I do it. Must be done, and at full tilt or I'll get discouraged, but it's required because I have to be there for my kids. You don't have to tell me it was all my fault. Unfortunately, that doesn't keep me from being resentful it's necessary.

But I don't like to blog about personal stuff like that. You don't need to hear it and I'm not really comfortable doing it. 

But none of this--NONE of this--would keep me from blogging.

I just don't have anything to say. Actually, that's why twittering's never interested me either.

I haven't had any deep thoughts recently, no epiphanies or realizations. I haven't even come up with good story stuff recently, though there are some character aspects I'm dying to try...when I drum up the urge to write again. Right now, whatever I write, even stuff I've written before, sounds awful, so I know I'm not ready. I've always LIKED what I wrote, even if no one else did. So I'm not ready.

Politics is disheartening in the extreme and I'm largely cutoff from it at the moment. Right now, my life is mostly made up of moments doing what I have to do for the good of my family: work, kid wrangling (especially when they're difficult), financial finagling, housework, chores, errands, etc. So the time that I have free, I use on what releases stress.

Good for me, but sucks for those of you who like to see me here once in a while. I don't have an excuse. It feels like an obligation at the moment, and that makes it not what I want to do with my time. Hopefully, that will change and I can bounce back in with my wacky notions and opinions and perspectives and stir up conversations.

Can I blog? I can. But I don't want to blog, not really, until it's once again what I want to do with my precious free time. Or when I have something to say I really need to say.

I really thought I'd be there by now. I'm genuinely sorry I'm not. I don't blame you if you give up on me. I'm still trying not to do so myself.

I admit, though, it is a little gratifying that I was missed, even a little bit.


  • Roy

    Just make sure you drop something like this from time to time so we know you're still among us!

  • Darrell B. Nelson

    Don't worry we won't give up on you. You've been through a lot. I takes time to bounce back, but I'm sure you will.

  • Relax Max

    I don't think you should wait until you feel you have something to say. Writing is like biofeedback, don't you find? Make the effort and then the desire to write comes back simply because the act of writing makes you think and gives you instant feedback. If you can't write from scratch at all, at least edit something. Criticize something in the news. Explain something in the news. Just write for yourself.

    I'm really good at psychoanalysis and giving orders, huh? But you DO have to write. Don't wait to be mused.

    I'm glad you wrote this post.

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