News and commentary on science

So, this is mostly a life update thing but I'm going to add some philosophical and stuff at the end for those interested enough to read all the way through.

I passed losing 100 pounds last week which puts me well over halfway to my goal. Going slower than I like, but, still, as long as I'm still moving in the right direction, it's all good. By the way, for the dieters out there, Kroger's "Slow Churned" [Light] Death By Chocolate ice cream could be the eighth deadly sin and, at only 140 calories a scoop, it's a happy indulgence. And no one's paying me to say it. It's just that damn good.

Had to replace one of my AC units, the one that we've been babying since I moved in in 2004 that goes out repeatedly and takes care of upstairs which is not only much hotter than downstairs but it's where we all are most of the time. Well it died, but at least it happened now, when we had a nice cool week and not in July. I'm hoping the much higher efficiency unit (w/ten years parts AND labor warranty) will also help with cooling bills this summer.

I was taken aback when changing my W-4 from married to single (but otherwise identical) resulted in more than an extra $120 coming out of my paycheck every week (which is why I paid into the IRS last year for the first time in decades). Ouch. Sucks to be a single parent. My hats off to any of you out there doing it on far less than I'm making. I literally have no idea how you manage it. 

Was discussing the topic of gay marriage on Gather.com (I rarely go there any more, but I have a bud who knows how to write articles that get discussions going to a frightening degree). Not going to discuss it here because I already have and, really, I didn't have many people arguing with me, not even Relax Max.

But several folks there were up in arms at the notion and after some extended hair rending and teeth gnashing over the increased moral turpitude that's crept into our society now that we can't beat blacks and our wives any more with impunity (ah, the good old days, when children had a 50% chance of living to adulthood and hygiene meant a monthly soak in a metal basin), one of them got into a long drawn-out rant against science, the kind I see once in a while among the creationist or global climate change naysayers. As I am myself, I noted that there was a level of irony in someone dissing science while using it to communicate, in this case, on the internet.

Here is his carefully quoted response to that [Note that the previous was paraphrased with almost undoubtedly some bias on my part]:

So, now science means anything that involved any sort of scientific or technological discovery to make? I am "using science" if I drive a car? Turn on a light? Flick my bic? 

 I still can't think about it without wiping tears of laughter from my eyes.

Uh, duh? Did he think that stuff grew on trees? Spontaneously fell from the sky like manna?

Now, I'm not equating religious folks with this kind of thinking - most religious people I know personally are perfectly rational reasonable thoughtful people who use religion as a guide to be better people. Can't fault that. But some of the crazies that pop up on talk radio and the internet are freaky out there.

This same guy, later on, said, "Science itself as we know it, was begun by "religious people" . . ." [guffaw, chortle]. While it was true that Christianity, at one point, was "in charge" of science, they were (a) largely basing it on Aristotle (who was not Christian but might have been a very devout pagan for all I know) and (b) did so up through the time called the Dark Ages, largely because science was stagnant in their hands. The name "Dark Ages" was not coincidental. And, while a number of scientists have been and are now devout in their respective religions, I don't think I'm really speaking out of turn when I say several of the organized religions have been basically obstructing science since the Dark Ages.

Note also, that that's just Western science. I know that, in many early civilizations like the Mayans and Babylonians, science, particularly astronomy, was closely linked with their religion. I haven't looked at the link between science and religion in the Far East Asian cultures, but I wouldn't be surprised to see something similar. (And for those who might thing Western culture dominated science in ancient times, I beg to differ).

But I have seriously digressed.

My point is that people can be awfully harsh with scientists and those implementers of science, engineers, and tend to focus on the evils that have resulted. I don't want to dismiss those, of course. We're not absolved of guilt for our part in that, for what our work facilitated. But I also think that just as religion today shouldn't really be held responsible for some of the more heinous things done in the past in the name of religion (and there are ample examples), scientists might be given a little slack on the less than savory results of our work done in generations past. Not that ills done in the name of religion and murderous/unhealthy science don't go on now as well. They do.

Similarly, just as religion deserves credit for good things that are done, including a significant portion of the relief efforts in some of the more tortured parts of the globe, science deserves note for those activities on the plus side of the scale. And I think that that is often taken for granted.

Some of it is, obviously, medical, things that have transformed the health of humankind in ways that would have amazed people a couple of centuries ago (though it should be noted, again, that various cultures already appreciated some aspects of that, like hygiene, again in certain Asian cultures): vaccines (much maligned but a huge factor in reducing infant mortality and child survival rates), antibiotics, hygiene and pasteurization, analgesics, safe and sterile surgical techniques (now with anesthesia!), clean water supplies and plumbing (which doesn't get enough credit for making changes in our world). When my grandfather was a child, half his siblings didn't make it to adulthood. That wasn't unusual in his day. I can't even imagine it. Two centuries and more back, childbirth was one of the biggest killers of women; now it's far less so (in countries where women can get pre and post natal care).  Thank you, biology and medicine.

Manufacturing break-throughs, assembly lines, automation, irrigation and farm machinery have allowed drops in prices and increased affordability in a number of things that used to be in short supply and/or only available for the very rich, like clothing and various (even rare) foods, vehicles and electronics and computers. Thank you engineering.

Material sciences and organic chemistry (particularly plastics) have meant huge breakthroughs in alloys and semiconductors  and ceramics/composites and plastics from cookware to bullet-proof vests to surgical implants and fiber optics to nano technology and, again, electronics. They've enabled solar panels and computer supersystems as well as computers that fit neatly on a wrist. Are you glad you can listen to music without having to go the concern hall every time? Thank you material sciences and chemistry.

Like riding in a car rather than horse and buggy? Like having electric lights rather than relying strictly on candles? Like flying in planes? Air conditioning and central heating? Like having access to instant information (cell and internet), weather information, location information? Much of the latter relies on a huge phalanx of satellites made possible by the space programs of many different nations. Thank you, physics and, yes, rocket science and combustive chemistry.

I'm just scratching the surface here, but I don't think it would go amiss, when we start thinking nostalgically about how simple life used to be, we might want to also remember how dangerous it was, how inconvenient, how dirty (even the wealthy), how exhaustive it was for most people, how little time and money was available for luxuries of any kind.

Science and scientists are certainly not free from fault, but there's a sizable debt we all owe to their efforts. Perhaps it wouldn't be amiss to remember it once in a while.

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Trivial Status

So, I should be talking about important topics here, especially after completely letting everything lapse for MONTHS.

Not going to, though. Only noteworthy event is the tragic shooting in Connecticut that has undoubtedly been written about and lamented to damn near death. And the truth is, there's nothing I can think of to offer as corrective action or comfort. In some ways, it's like the tsunami in Japan, not that it's an act of nature, but that there's really nothing one can do to stop it. Best laid plans, high security, the utmost caution - nothing can prevent a person bent on destruction from causing it except dumb luck.

I'm for gun control (though not necessarily banning) but the OKC bombing showed definitively that guns aren't necessary. Nor are big groups combined in a conspiracy, technological expertise, huge bankrolls or, obviously, any sort of reasonable logic. Short of going into 1984 mode (and I'm not for that either), you can't keep people hell-bent on doing bad things from doing them. That's how the law works - can't lock up people based on potential crimes. They get to move first and, if they make a doozy, the most you can do is pick up the pieces.

I have opinions on attitudes and mindsets that make this worse, but really they're just speculation. And, right now, I don't have the heart to expound on them knowing there are plenty of other possibilities my speculation doesn't cover that can happen next time. Truthfully, there's plenty of injustice in the world we might have a chance of addressing when I know keeping the crazies from doing bad things is just not on the list of things I can do.

But I seriously digressed.

Instead, today I'm going into narcissistic mode, so those of you who read all the way down here in the hopes I had something useful to stay are now cued to roll your eyes and wonder if there's anything interesting going on elsewhere.

It's been over a year now, since I found out I was going to be single again (and most likely, permanently). Also been diagnosed with Type II diabetes which wasn't entirely a surprise but didn't improve my mood any.

For those that are interested (and hopefully, that's all that's left reading this), here's my current status, for good or bad.

• Kids are all happy and healthy. Several reasons for this, not the least of which is that they all have fine constitutions, but also that my ex and I have both striven to keep our relationship as friendly as possible.
• Eldest daughter is in college with a music major. Her choice, but, as I've mentioned before, she has a superlative voice. Said voice is also being recognized by more than myself. She has been successful in winning parts for everything she's auditioned for (even as a freshman), though same have been chorale parts, and she'll be opening a cabaret show with a jazz classic. So, good for her. 
• Two youngest are both in programs for special needs children and neither are really talking even now. Which is more challenging to deal with and lonelier than it might seem. Since I'm on my own dealing with them a majority of the time, it has distinct frustrations that are sometimes overwhelming. Alex, in particular, with his OCD and autistic tendencies, confounds and confuses me. However, we're also finding rhythms and routines that work for us so I'm still hopeful we'll make it work. Note, however, I am a dreamer. 
• My work is going well, keeping me busy and mostly entertained. In addition to be interesting for me, my work has also been very supportive in letting me do some of my work from home and accommodating the schedule challenges of a single mother. I seriously don't know how regular single parents with less flexibility and smaller paychecks manage it. 
• I have two cats now who have exactly the right personalities to suit me. Both are sweet, beautiful and affectionate and one is even willing to let Roxy pick him up a couple of dozen times a day without losing his temper. Which is just about perfect. 
•  I have faced my health challenges head on, given that I have responsibilities so dying is not something I'm allowed to do any time soon: I have gone on a stringent diet necessary given the state I had let myself get to. So far, I've lost more than 70 pounds since August and hope to get to my goal weight by next fall. And stay there. With any luck, that will be a considerable benefit in keeping my diabetes in check. I've also bought a Bowflex and am forcing my sedentary self to exercise for the same reason. Necessity exists.
• Diet and exercise does not make me happier. Nor is the obvious deep and abiding affection my once husband has for the woman he left me for. I don't think I still wish he loved me or even long for him. It's more like it's lowering to realize (by contrast) how very little I ever meant to him and, given that I believed no one had ever love me more, what that says on how much I have ever been loved. I'm lucky that my children are affectionate and I have an aunt and sister and several friends who clearly care about me, but most are at a distance (which I'm sure contributes to our friendly relations). Acknowledging that people who live with me (other than my children) don't care much for me is, well, painful. And, given the effort I made with my former husband, I have to admit I don't think there's anything I can do to improve that situation. I am just not loveable.
• I am trying not to be depressed - I have more than my children's future to consider, but also their current comfort - but I've not been entirely successful. In many ways, I feel like my life holds nothing but making sure my children are cared at this point forward. As a life-long romantic and writer-wannabe, the realization is unbelievable miserable. 
• Even so, on the balance, I clearly have a lot to be grateful for. I wish telling myself that forcefully was effective as a counter. Still working that particular issue. 
• I have not been able to write fiction now for more than a year. I've tried a couple of times but what I wrote was not worth hitting the save button for.  I honestly don't know, at this point, if I ever will be able to write again or if it's even worth the effort given how little interest the world has in what I've already written. I don't know if I managed to kill my ability to write when I stopped believing in magic. Maybe I just know too much about the caliber of my work to date.

I think that's about all I have going. Now you know.

Have a good holiday. Spend time with the people you love and those that love you. Time marches inexorably forward and it's easy to be distracted by trivialities and miss it.

Update: I was just looking to my pre-breakfast blood sugars (the only ones I have to take) and realized every single one in December was normal and, with the exception of one, the ones in November were pretty darn close to normal, too. So, yay me!

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On My Own

I've always had an affinity for Epinine, easily my favorite role from the musical "Les Miserables" (please imagine the appropriate accent). It was always easy to imagine myself as the girl who loved but was overlooked and underestimated in return. I'm not alone, by even the smallest stretch, in feeling like that, at least occasionally, but I have, perhaps, spent more time than was healthy feeling so.

Admittedly, it's one reason why I'm reluctant to include unrequited love in my novels - too sad - and I'll have to get past that. Life has plenty of dark to go around and books without them are unrealistically ideal. But I digress.

My point is that I have just completed what is likely one of the most benign, tidiest, easiest, least nasty divorces in history. Which is a good thing, even if divorce itself isn't. Amazing that such a thing can still be so very sad, the death of a dream, even if the marriage itself wasn't living up to it. However, endings are also harbingers of change. And change is all about new beginnings and new opportunities, even if they aren't readily available.

So, that's what I'll wish for the man who was so recently my husband, that this provides him the opportunity to find what will make him happy.

And I will strive to do the same.

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Some Clarification on my Divorce

First, before I say anything more, I have to thank you all for your support. One side effect about being dropped (apparently without any hesitation or remorse) by the person you thought was the love of your life is that you feel pretty much unlovable. The support of people I've grown fond of without even meeting, the reminders that there are people who still care, is more precious to me than I can express. 

But I think I've given the impression that my husband, soon-to-be ex, is a hateful malicious cretin, and that's not fair. I know, because I've been married to a hateful malicious cretin and the divorce went somewhat differently. So did the marriage.

My first marriage was horrible, filled to the brim with emotional and sometimes physical abuse. Ever been on the floor of your kitchen while your spouse tried to throttle you? I have. I hated living with him and stayed for years longer than I should out of obligation until it dawned on me that letting myself be treated like that was the worst possible example for our one child. As a possession, my first husband felt I had no right to leave. I will spare you the specifics on the threats and the name calling he used, but they included, at the least, the threat that I would never see my daughter again, that he'd prove I was psychotic and would be paying him through the nose for the foreseeable future. His mother seconded the notion and threatened me, too.

I left anyway.

During the course of the divorce (and beyond) he:

• Tried to get me arrest for forgery (signing his mother's Christmas card)
• Called CPS on me and the people who were supporting me numerous times with escalating and readily disproved allegations of abuse, both physical and sexual. The repeated calls were so outrageous, the local law enforcement charged him with obstruction of justice and tried to indict him.
• Set a detective on me.
• So frightened the psychologist hired to evaluate us' receptionist so badly that the psychologist changed his view of him radically (he'd been favoring my first husband because my husband, as a cop, knew how to take the tests with the "right answers - I'm a little off - and because I seemed too rigidly moral???)
• Threatened my lawyer and his secretary (making my lawyer his sworn enemy)
• So scared our mediator that he was unhinged that she took to locking the door to where I was and ended up giving me tips to get custody during the trial. My lawyer ended up at the picture window with the gun he'd fetched from his car, saying "All I need is a clear shot." I'm not kidding.
• Threatened me in the court room so that the judge repeatedly chewed him out and put extra sanctions on him (which he ignored). As a cop, my first husband tried threatening the cops working the courtroom (different jurisdiction from his own) and pushed the judge to calling up my first husband's boss (Sheriff) to complain about his behavior. There were extra cops in our courtroom standing strategically around us with their hands on their guns at all times. 
• He failed to make house payments (court ordered) on the house in both our names, and water payments so my daughter spent nearly a month in a house with no water. Also, it was growing a horrible black mold (from a water leak months old) and had so much trash (when I came to clean it up for sale) that it took three trips with a 30' trailer to clear it out. 
• After refusing to allow us to sell the house, he declared bankruptcy, forcing me to do the same or be saddled with all his debts in addition to my own.
• Since the divorce was final, he has repeated and at length told our daughter horrible stories of my infidelity (never happened), my neglect of her (false), and my physical abuse of him (say what???). 
• Cost of the three years of divorce (just on my side) was upwards of $35K.

That my daughter has managed to grow up a bright loving generous self-starting teenager is a miracle.

My current husband is young and, from my view, thoughtless, immature, and self-absorbed. But there is no meanness in him. If he is leaving most of his responsibility behind, he is also setting out with almost nothing and doing so by choice. I have all the debts, the kids, the house, both cars and most of the stuff. He has a few essentials, his motorcycle and minimal job prospects because he's never really worked. Since he didn't fix his motorcycle, his lack of reliable transportation isn't helping him.

He loves someone else, but he also wasn't happy. With nothing and his life a chaotic model of uncertainty, he's happier than he was while he was here and financially secure, which argues he did the right thing for both of us. I have no more interest in making my marriage a prison for my husband than I was in staying in one where I felt a prisoner. We're reached agreement everything ahead of time, have a marriage settlement agreement signed, notarized and filed. We went to the "about the kids" seminar required for divorces involving children together yesterday with no animosity. Come April 9, we'll go in together on our no-fault no-contest divorce and be done with no lawyers involved.

If I am hurt, grieved, and frustrated by things my husband does and the naive or self-centered way he looks at things, or by the sense of abandonment and lack of self-worth I have as a result, I am also grateful that this is as easy and simple as it could be, that he is facilitating me moving on with my life. And much of my grief is self-inflicted given that I loved him to excess and he merely didn't.

I am also fortunate that my husband's family is keeping me even if he isn't. My MIL has taken over watching my daughter during the day and has been my strongest support.

My first husband has granted me a frame of reference so that, despite some pain and sense of betrayal, I can also appreciate that there's no meanness or greed. And that argues a much healthier outlook for the children we share.

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Not My Cheeriest Poem

It's been a while since I wrote poetry. I think I know why.

When I was young, I bought the tale
I think you know the yarn,
Where the girl who's really special
Is awakened to her charms

And the years she went unnoticed,
Was dismissed, ignored or used,
Were worth the happy ending
With her chrysalis unloosed

I used that through a childhood
Where I always came up short.
I used that through a loveless marriage
'Til I left, a last resort.

I knew most didn't like me. I confused them,
Rubbed them wrong.
I took that as the price I paid
For singing different songs.

But I believed that I was "special"
No matter how I was dismissed.
My faith was like a talisman
To lead me through the mist.

I held it when I found the man
I loved like none before,
And knew, this man would cherish me
Appreciate my core.

But faith can't stand 'gainst data
At least not in my mind,
And decades of the same facts
Have made that dream unwind.

If all perceive me one way,
Nothing special, nothing grand,
Perhaps they see a bitter truth
I chose not to understand.

Perhaps there is no magic,
Not for me at any rate.
Perhaps no happy ending,
No fine deserving fate.

Perhaps they really see me,
Know all that I could be.
Perhaps the dribs and drabs of love
Are all I get to see.

I ask myself what is the truth?
With facts I've gleaned since birth.
Do they not really see me
Or do I have little worth?

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Putting in Overtime

Some of you know that we were here near the coast south of Houston for the advent of Ike, including hearing his eye go right over our house. This weekend, we'll be (hopefully) completing the last of the repairs. Lee's been doing most of them in bits and pieces, be we're making a push to get the bulk of them done tonight and I'll be helping him and out of pocket.

What that means is that my catching up with all of my favorite people and blogs (that I don't live with) will have to wait a bit longer. If Lee is right and the one room painted and floored tonight, I will have time to catch up and even write something entertaining or thought-provoking this weekend.

So, don't take it personally if I'm not following up comments as quickly as I should. Within any luck, we'll have it all done by Monday (at last!) and we can start the cleaning and reorganizing that comes from having every room done. I might even finish those last touches on the moon so I can put up that picture of my glow-in-the-dark mural I promised all of you.

Hopefully, everyone's patience will be rewarded, including ours.

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