Overstaying a Welcome

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I wish I could write something clever today, but I'm a little drained. So, here's a bonus lesson learned.

Last summer, my husband and I (with the two youngest) drove up to Kansas to help a cyberfriend move. The story on why our help was needed was long, but the need existed. We drove up Friday night, moved her Saturday and planned to leave no later than Tuesday, but we were coming up on the Fourth of July weekend and were invited to stay through Saturday.

It was a mistake. Staying with people you don't have much in common with for days on end: uncomfortable for everyone. They were nice. We tried to be the same, but it had an adverse effect on our relationship. Pity.

I think this can happen in families, too. There's nothing wrong with having your mom come down for a couple of months after your baby is born if that's the level of relationship you have. But if it's not, no one will end up happier. Instead, one or both will end up resentful or angry - hardly healthy for the long haul.

If you're visiting your old home town and staying with your mother, it might work to stay for a week or two - you'll be seeing old friends and not dependent on your parents for all of your entertainment. When I was married to my first husband, I would frequently go to his home town. He'd wander off to visit his own friends and haunts and I was left alone with his mother, a woman who I had nothing in common with. Both of us found the visits irksome.

But, if the relationship is uncertain or not close, days quickly become oppressive and everyone ends up uncomfortable and awkward, even if everyone has done their best.

That doesn't mean you can't visit people you care about, even if you've grown apart, but I can't but recommend leavening the length of time appropriately. Understaying a welcome is often far more pleasant (and far more conducive to the long term relationship) to overstaying.

The sister I'm closest to is coming in August for a week. I love her dearly and we have tons in common. She's staying for a week and I think that's just about perfect, especially since my kids adore her and my husband thinks she's great.

A visit in small doses, doses appropriate to the relationship, I think that's what works the best.

Now, if I could just calculate those appropriately...

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