Dear Spiders . . .

>> Saturday, January 24, 2015

Dear spiders,

As a mature, well-educated, scientifically-minded and compassionate adult, I know that spiders are beneficial critters, beautiful, talented, dainty and deadly, largely to bugs which, lets face it, don't appeal much to me. As exoskeletal creatures go, spiders rank at the top for me. Logically.

Unfortunately, my response when unexpectedly faced with a spider is generally not driven by logic. So, in my best interest and yours (because, though you're talented and venomous, I have a weight advantage and am not afraid to use it), there are certain ground rules which, if you follow, will certainly serve your life expectancy well.

As a good host, there are places in my house that are well suited for spider occupation, both because of low traffic, but also because one is less likely to scare the crap out of me and get reflexively killed. However, I must warn you that spiders that I recognize as deadly venomous will not get a chance to plead the fifth - and I know what you look like, so you'd best find a more congenial host,.

For instance, my garage is fair game for any non-lethal spiders since I try not to go in there anywhere but the freezer and, if something else must be fetched, try to find someone else to do it. Also, the tops of my windows, which you'll be pleased to know are never cleaned, are fair game as they are out of reach of most of my cats and my children and are generally covered by window treatments. As my house is frequently dark (and is not high on bugs) that might be a good hunting place anyway. If you are so adventurous as to take out a wasp (a creature I loathe inside my house), and I see evidence of such in your web, I will actively work to preserve your life. My son's closet is another spot as he can't open the door (because a very heavy bunkbed blocks it and the far corners of the high ceilings in my room are also fine as long as you have the good sense not to drop on me or my children. You can also amuse yourself in my cupboard with wine glasses since I bought them with my ex-husband in mind and never use them.

Places I would avoid involve the pantry, since it's ill lit and I'm likely to freak out, on or around where my children sleep (which isn't safe for you anyway), anywhere you're likely to land on me or stationed in my bath or shower in such a way you land on me. The tiny spider that's taken up residence in the corner of the shelf is welcome to stay (though the bath you took earlier may change your mind) as long as you don't (a) grow to monstrous size, (b) turn out to be a baby recluse (since you're definitely not a black widow), (c) move somewhere where you might be tempted to drop on me or (d) hatch a million microscopic spiders and take over the shower stall.

I'm hopeful, with this understanding, we can all learn to live in harmony.




  • soubriquet

    There is no appeasement where spiders are concerned. I have learned that innocent looking ones cannot be trusted. I mean, a Black Widow, well, obvious, her outfit says "I'm mean and dangerous, just stay the F**** away!", but... my friend was bitten by something small and many legged. Just a spider.....
    All I can say is.... kill 'em all, with flame!... He's okay now, just got a big dimple in the side of his hand where they cut the necrotic flesh away.

  • Stephanie Barr

    Sounds like a Brown Recluse (if it was in these Texas type parts or really anywhere remotely close to it). They're very nasty and I don't recommend messing with them. If I have time, I can recognize them.

    If I'm in the throes of "What the hell is this on me" I go for death.

  • R C Larlham

    As a Biologist (BA & MS), I have found throughout my life (I am now 74 years old) that I cannot abide the immediate presence... of ANY of you. Stay out of my reach and don't do anything stupid, like touching me or appearing suddenly within the reach of whatever I may be carrying.

    Have a nice day...

    Chuck Larlham

  • A.D.Trosper

    I find this so funny. We had a small jumper spider in the kitchen the summer before last that we named Bob. He patrolled the kitchen and kept flies from invading. We truly liked him. Occasionally, he would get in the way and we would shoo him to a safer area.

    When we didn't see him for several days, we figured he had died of whatever spiders die of. Then one day there he was again. The entire family literally ran into the kitchen to say "Hi!" to Bob. He was a neat spider.

    That said, if you aren't of the cute, furry variety of spider, I'm going to find someone to kill you. I would do it, but then I would have a heart attack and die from getting that close to you, so someone else will have to do it.

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