When He Really Loved Me

>> Monday, November 21, 2011

Among the things that are most dispiriting are those moments when you realize that your dream, however much you might have expected it to be impossible, really is coming to an end, and that the other dreams you have were so mixed with it, you might as well toss the lot. You might have intellectually doubted those dreams, worried and fretted indefinitely for months or years, told yourself to expect nothing, but a part of you always believed they were possible. That those dreams could happen. Believing transcends even the most rationale mind, once in a while.

When reality, as it is wont to do, finally puts that (or those) dream(s) to death, no one is ever really prepared for it, however much they might want to have been.

For the past several days, I have been thinking of Anne Boleyn in Anne of the Thousand Days when she says, "The days we bedded. Married. Were Happy. Bore Elizabeth. Hated. Lusted. Bore a dead child... which condemned me... to death. In all one thousand days. Just a thousand. strange. And of those thousand, one when we were both in love, only one, when our loves met and overlapped and were both mine and his. And when I no longer hated him, he began to hate me. Except for that one day."

Of course the details were different, the number of days, the turns of events, but that sentiment, that there were only a handful of days where two people were truly in tune and endless days before and after where paths and goals diverged (seen clearly only in hindsight), remains. 

Of course, she wasn't facing divorce but was off to get beheaded.

Some people have all the luck.


  • Roy

    I'm so sorry to hear this, Steph!

  • Stephanie Barr

    Yeah, me too.

  • Project Savior

    So sorry for you.

  • Quadmama

    I'm so sorry.

  • Anonymous

    I suspected this was the reason you wrote that July 4th poem; I recognized a lot of you in it.  I had hoped it was just a temporary issue, not permanent.

    I am always saddened by such news but I also am hopeful things will work out in the long run, eternal optimist that I am. Keep your chin up, my old friend, and Listen to the Wind.

    Mike H.

  • Stephanie Barr

    I appreciate your sympathy, Project Savior and Quadmama. I promised myself that was all the whining I was going to do on the blog. That doesn't mean I'll write more frequently, but that that's the end of the pity party.

    At least I certainly hope so.

    Mike H, it occurs to me you are a very undervalued friend. I'm more grateful than I can say that you stumbled across me again after so many years.

  • Project Savior

    Just remember you've got friends that don't mind if you feel the need to whine, everyone has to from time to time.

  • Stephanie Barr

    Shit, Darrell, that got to me. I didn't even see it coming.

    Thanks, really. It means something that people care.

  • Shakespeare

    I've never, never known you to whine over nothing--or to whine too long. I am so sorry this is how this part of your life ends.

    I can't speak from experience, but I would assume beheading sucks. Divorce is a totally separate kind of torture, though, and it does last longer.

    Be sure to e-mail me ANY time--or call--and whine away whenever you need to. Now it's time to take care of YOU... bring yourself into a place of peace, where you are among friends.

    Like here, only with throw pillows.

  • GumbyTheCat

    My sympathies, Steph. I don't know you at all but based on how you have described your relationship I never would have seen this coming. Impermanance is the only permanence, it seems.

    My best wishes your way.

  • Stephanie Barr

    Thanks, Shakespeare. Maybe I will whine at some point. I'll try to do it with poetry so it doesn't get carried away.

    I appreciate your kind wishes, Gumby.

  • History Doc

    (formerly "the mother")

    I just checked on you for the first time in quite a while and found this terrible news. I am so sorry--I wish you the best of what is a terrible situation, and hope that it goes smoothly and quickly.

  • Stephanie Barr

    It does stink, perhaps by as much as I've learned about myself as what I've been forced to acknowledge with Lee. Quickly is unlikely, since my husband is uneducated and hasn't held a job in nine years (so getting out independently will be challenging).

    Smoothly remains to be seen.

    But I appreciate your sympathy. Thank you.

  • Bob Johnson

    Wow, see what happens when i don't blog for a year? Been there done that and I know what you are going through, whine all you like

  • Stephanie Barr

    Me too. First marriage felt like a jail sentence to me. This one, unfortunately, feels that way to my husband (including the fact he has kids).

    I'm having a hard time coming to grips with it.

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