Saturday Quote-a-thon: Humor

What the hell! I watched John Pinette last night. He totally cracks me up. So, inspired by that, I thought I'd give everyone some humor for the weekend. Today, apparently, I happened upon a stash of insults.

No man who has once heartily and wholly laughed can be altogether irreclaimably bad.
- Thomas Carlyle

The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
- George Bernard Shaw

Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain

No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have; and I think he's a dirty little beast.
- W. S. Gilbert

There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress.
- Mark Twain

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style. It will look ridiculous year after year.
- Fred Allen

Some people can stay longer in an hour than others can in a week.
- William Dean Howells

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
- Catherine Aird

Ordinarily he is insane. But he has lucid moments when he is only stupid.
- Heinrich Heine

They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.
- Thomas Brackett Reed

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
- Groucho Marx

What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement.
- Fred Allen

I used to keep my college room mate from reading my personal mail by hiding it in her textbooks.
- Joan Welsh

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.
- George Bernard Shaw

You must have taken great pains, sir; you could not have been naturally so stupid.
- Samuel Johnson

You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.
- Edward Flaherty

A wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits.
- Alexander Pope

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein

He was born stupid, and greatly increased his birthright.
- Samuel Butler

He's as big as a gorilla and as strong as a gorilla. If he was as smart as a gorilla he'd be fine.
- Sam Bailey

Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him of the entire weekend.
- Zenna Schaffer

There are three stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus; he doesn't believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.
- Bob Philips

An extravagance is anything you buy that is of no earthly use to your wife.
- Franklin Adams

It doesn't make any difference what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses.
- Mrs. Patrick Campbell

I've had them both, and I don't think much of either.
- Beatrix Lehmann, watching a Hollywood wedding

In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.
- Charles, Count Talleyrand

She has been kissed as often as a police-court Bible, and by much the same class of people.
- Robertson Davies

There goes the famous good time that was had by all.
- Bette Davis

She should get a divorce and settle down.
- Jack Parr

That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
- Dorothy Parker