Saturday Quote-a-thon: Humor

>> Saturday, November 21, 2009

What the hell! I watched John Pinette last night. He totally cracks me up. So, inspired by that, I thought I'd give everyone some humor for the weekend. Today, apparently, I happened upon a stash of insults.

No man who has once heartily and wholly laughed can be altogether irreclaimably bad.
- Thomas Carlyle

The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
- George Bernard Shaw

Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain

No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have; and I think he's a dirty little beast.
- W. S. Gilbert

There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress.
- Mark Twain

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style. It will look ridiculous year after year.
- Fred Allen

Some people can stay longer in an hour than others can in a week.
- William Dean Howells

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
- Catherine Aird

Ordinarily he is insane. But he has lucid moments when he is only stupid.
- Heinrich Heine

They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.
- Thomas Brackett Reed

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
- Groucho Marx

What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement.
- Fred Allen

I used to keep my college room mate from reading my personal mail by hiding it in her textbooks.
- Joan Welsh

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.
- George Bernard Shaw

You must have taken great pains, sir; you could not have been naturally so stupid.
- Samuel Johnson

You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.
- Edward Flaherty

A wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits.
- Alexander Pope

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein

He was born stupid, and greatly increased his birthright.
- Samuel Butler

He's as big as a gorilla and as strong as a gorilla. If he was as smart as a gorilla he'd be fine.
- Sam Bailey

Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him of the entire weekend.
- Zenna Schaffer

There are three stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus; he doesn't believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.
- Bob Philips

An extravagance is anything you buy that is of no earthly use to your wife.
- Franklin Adams

It doesn't make any difference what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses.
- Mrs. Patrick Campbell

I've had them both, and I don't think much of either.
- Beatrix Lehmann, watching a Hollywood wedding

In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.
- Charles, Count Talleyrand

She has been kissed as often as a police-court Bible, and by much the same class of people.
- Robertson Davies

There goes the famous good time that was had by all.
- Bette Davis

She should get a divorce and settle down.
- Jack Parr

That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
- Dorothy Parker


  • Jeff King

    "only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
    - Albert Einstein

    i love it...

  • Roy

    Great collection! One of my favorite movie lines comes from the movie Spanglish. Cloris Leachman says to her daughter, who is cheating on her husband with the real estate agent who found them their summer beach rental: "Honey, lately your low self-esteem is just good common sense."

  • The Mother

    I love these. I'm going to have to print them out and tack them somewhere where I can find them when I need them.

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