Wordplay

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Now, I'm going to do something I rarely do - post the content of an email forward. Why? Because it's funny. I will also do what I can to establish where it came from...

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouth-wash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's stupid AND an asshole.

You'll notice that it reads like these are the most recent winners, but, of course, that's not so. As listed here, the ones in green were winners from Washington Post's Style International contest of 1998 according to this, but is missing the following (they are in purple because they actually were from WP as shown below):

Doltergeist: A spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank

Shtupfather: Woody Allen

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly <

Guillozine: A magazine for executioners

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

According to this source, this was part of an email forward going back at least to 2005 (still attibuted to the Washington Post, though good luck finding anything in their archives. I couldn't with regards to these (though they still play with them on a weekly column occasionally). These added ones are in red.

Bustard (n.), a rude bus driver.

Semantics (n.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood.

Spatula: n. A fight among vampires.

Excruciate: n., the ligament that attaches your ex-wife to your paycheck.

Perplexed: adj., lost in a movie theater.

Population: n., that nice sensation you get when drinking soda.

Racket: n., a small pair of breasts.

Nincompoop: n., the military command responsible for battlefield sanitation.

Ineffable: adj., describes someone you absolutely cannot swear in front of.

Pontificate: n., a document given to each graduating pope.

Pimple: n., pimp’s apprentice.

Discussion: n., a Frisbee-related head injury.

Ozone: n., area in which the G-spot is located.

Flattery: n., a place that manufactures A and B cup brassieres only.

Cabbage Patch: A patch for those trying to stop eating cabbage.

Sudafed: A software program on how to file a civil action against the government.

Pop Secret: Paternity suit settled without publicity.

Oral-B: Monica’s grade on her last intern evaluation.

Then I found this, the actual source for the ones I'm noting in Purple - to see the authors, click the link. Sarchasm actually won and I think some note should be made of the submitter for sarchasm (and several other winners and honorable mentions: Thomas Witte). However, as noted by the blue, much of this is from somewhere else. Clearly, in the rounds through the e-universe, much has been added and taken away (thank heavens, I love "ignoranus" and "arachnoleptic fit"). In the meantime, here are more winners and honorable mentions from 1998.

Fortissimoe: the musical moment produced when someone serially slaps the faces of the first-violin section.

Tatyr: a lecherous Mr. Potato Head.

Necronancy: communication with the late Ernie Bushmiller.

Contratemps: the resentment permanent workers feel toward the fill-in workers.

Coiterie: a very very close-knit group.

Whitetater: a political hot potato.

Impotience: eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription.

Elepants: too-tight jeans on broad-beamed people.

Lollapalooka: someone who has taken one too many turns in the mosh pit.

Auto-da-feh: the extermination of heretics via drowning in a vat of pus.

DIOS: the one true operating system.

Thripp: a bug.

Writer's tramp: a woman who practices poetic licentiousness.

Goodzilla: a giant lizard that puts out forest fires by stamping on them.

Taterfamilias: the head of the Potato Head family.

Adulatery: cheating on one's wife with a much younger woman who holds you in awe.

Suckotash: a dish consisting of corn, lima beans and tofu.

Emasculathe: a tool for castration.

Sata: a mythical being who brings toys to bad children.

Burglesque: a poorly planned break-in.

Genitaliar: an image-enhancing object that can be carried in a man's front pocket.

Antifun gal: a prude.

Vaseball: a game of catch played by children in the living room.

Eunouch: the pain of castration.

Hindkerchief: really expensive toilet paper; toilet paper at Buckingham Palace.

Deifenestration: to throw all talk of God out the window.

Hozone: the area around 14th Street.

Acme: a generic skin disease.

Hindprint: indentation made by a couch potato.

Newtspaper: the Washington Times.

Nazigator: an overbearing member of your carpool.

Synapple: a perfect beverage to accompany brain food.

Socceur: the proper spelling of the sport for the next four years, alas.

Lust: an unseemly craving for this position in the column.

So, why bring all this up? Well, because sometimes we all could use some creative amusement. And I didn't have any personally.

Enjoy.